“Why doesn’t God answer my prayers for healing?”
My high-school sweetheart was killed before his time to go, why did God take him early?”
“Why does God not hear my prayers?
Why did God allow satan to try Job’s so severely?
What is the purpose for these trials we endure?
These and other questions have been asked seemingly, without getting a viable human relatable, understandable answer.
1.What is your automatic feeling when you wake up in the mornings? Do you automatically find something to be grateful for or do you immediately feel overwhelmed, sigh? It could be a subconscious feeling of regret over some scenario or circumstance from your past.
2. Do you find yourself longing for more and yet never feeling like you measure up to your own standards either?
3. Is there a feeling of suspicion when you are around people? Do you wonder what they are up to? So in other words, do you have a trust of people, able to accept them as the are and where they are when you meet them?
4. Do you feel like those around you should treat you better?
5. It’s difficult to acknowledge other people’s skills.
6. It may be hard for you to appreciate others place in life.
7. Do you communicate to engage or do you find yourself finding fault?
8. Do people who seem happy consistently get under your skin?
The trials we go through……there is a reason. We are called to be light and salt in the earth. The word says, “if the salt has lost its “power” or savor, what can it be used for, but to be cast down and trodden underfoot by men.” Jesus came to bring light and love and to allow us to rejoice even in the darkest times. He also gave us power to overcome any and every stronghold in our lives. So what are you bitter about? Bitterness is a form of deep-seated unforgiveness that has had time to fester and become excuse after excuse why you should feel the way you do, until it brings you into a hard heart before the Lord.
There is a song I love to listen to, sing and just contemplate the meaning of the words. It speaks of my Creator’s love and awesomeness and majestic power. Another song I sing reminds me I’m in the palm of His hand. When I think about the way He loves me, I get excited. Why? Because My spirit bears witnesse with THE Holy Spirit that I am a child of God. When those avenues of communication are blocked, I cannot hear my heavenly Abba Father. I cannot discern or sense His precious Holy Spirit and many times it can bring me way down into wondering if I have grieved Holy Spirit, unless I understand that I cannot be taken out of the palm of His hand, which is all known by faith. It is always easier when I can hear my Father’s guidance and direction. His silence is more difficult to stand and seems to require a bit more endurance and a decision to press forward and find truth in the word of God to remind me who I am and WHOSE I am.
Bitterness blocks those pathways of communication with Abba Father, as well as unforgiveness Judging another person will block those avenues, also. If you allow your offenses pile up your discernment and direct seem directly proportional to hear or not hear the Father speaking. He is always ready to speak to us. Missing the mark, basically a lack of trust and faith causes us to be lost in an whirlwind of words, excuses, wonderings and if’s, fears and possibly even wandering out and away from the Father’s heart to fulfill the “lust of the flesh, lust of the eyes or the boastful pride of life,” as James explains.
I was widowed at an early age, 26. I had many questions. Why God? Why did you leave me here when my husband was the better parent? In my eyes it would have been good to take me instead. Maybe Jack was ready to go. I just had to let go or in Christian vernacular “die” to my fears and anxiety and wanderings…..to let go…and just let God hold me in the palm of His hand. Hold me HE did! I felt surrounded in his presence of love and a swirling of his abounding and overwhelming love. I was astounded at HIS grace and mercy.
All I remember, I was walking so closely with the Lord when his plane went down, I simply said, “God I know you are the same God I served yesterday, only my circumstances have changed. I had a husband yesterday, and today I don’t have one, neither do my children have a father.” I asked him what he wanted me to do and I heard, “Praise Me!” What? Wow! Sure God I’ll praise you. I have no reason not to. So I danced and sang and lifted my hands in the hospital chapel there in Yuma, AZ. I worshiped the Lord in the beauty of HIS holiness. All of a sudden I knew I had obeyed and there was something that needed done. Then I asked, “Now what, Lord?” I knew the answer immediately. Of course, I had to let his parents know they had lost their second-eldest son.
I was never bitter. Why? First, I asked what He wanted, I waited on His counsel. Then I heard His voice, didn’t assume. Then, I chose to be obedient, to praise my Father even though it seemed a tragic affair. I sang at his grave-side service and memorial service both. People were shocked at my willingness to worship, sing and saw me as one being jull of joy. One of my very religious relatives were so offended and would have left early had it not been rude. Several people were shocked, as if to ask, “You act like you are not sad that your husband passed,” I simply testified, knowing the question on their face was plain and clear, “I am very brokenhearted that I have lost my best friend.” I’m not sure why I have such peace in my soul, but it is a feeling that God will work all things for His glory even in this human horrific situation, my children losing their father, mostly” I had no idea what I had just said. I only took one day at a time and waited on God moment by moment. I never suffered depression, loneliness except in the later years after I remarried.
One particular time I, not long after his passing, I sat in his little Mazda truck, he had worked so hard on to get it running perfect, (This was the engine that purred. LOL) looking at a black wallet filled with receipts and a licence that did not have my picture on it. The wallet smelled of pesticide he had been spraying on the lettuces he had been spraying the night he died. A man a few years older, was suppose to replace Jack and had overslept. He called Jack and was assured he was alright and would go ahead and finish up, no problem. That wasn’t protocol, as you were not suppose to be up in the air that long. Jack was always a trooper, thinking he could do the impossible and press through, no matter how hard. He was raised on a farm with dairy cattle, chickens, and lots of other farm animals. He was a tough guy even though he wore a 28″ waist pant. Small guy, big heart and tough. I sang at his services and it was a glorious time…..of rejoicing for Jack. Hard for me afterwards, yet in my faith to believe the impossible, I believed…I had already been walking close to my Father and the Holy Spirit had been teaching me how to take every thought captive. This was just more of what God was bringing me through. I couldn’t stop believing just because my circumstances had changed, or could I? It is our choice to “choose life that we may live.”
Years passed, I had begun to think I need a father for my children, as if their heavenly Father was not enough. Those days with my children alone were glorious. I read the bible to them hours a day and felt that my whole ministry was to share this amazing love I had experience with my children day after day. We went on long trips in my Chevy open Road van and took our home-schooling books with us. They grew exponentially,
I had some blind spots and those came out regularly and often enough so I thought I needed someone to physically love me. I was too needy to let God be my husband eventually, and succumbed as most young widows do to marrying before they had healed of past hurts and trauma. I though I “knew” what I was doing and remarried after 5 years. I had no idea about life, love and what the future had in store. My children were so excited they would finally have a “daddy” My X try as he might, and he really tried to discipline, to teach and guide and direct, but his methods were so harsh that it wasn’t really welsome and the children were stymied. I too had an anger problem I had never dealt with, but with my X around, I did not ever show my anger, but became more and more frustrated. Years down the road I saw my own passive-aggressive behavior from my own dysfunctional childhood. I had failed to look at life through the eyes of reality, but with rose colored glasses. I made a huge mistake.
After my divorce, I was trying hard to be positive with my X and decided I needed to hear from God as to what to do. There was a man in our lives before my husband exited, that stayed around. His influence was none too positive toward my x-husband. I had never understood why my husband had him around as he was not someone that made me feel comfortable. Eventually, the uncomfortable wore off and I got “used” to him being around. Time passed and he started making negative remarks about my husband and I just backed off and tried to stop talking to him. He was in our household so it was difficult not to talk to him. He stayed because he was “valuable” to my husband as he saw us giving him a place to stay, would assist in him helping with a business and to finish the home we were building. He became a torn in my husband’s side and he felt like he was drawing my children to himself away from my husband. He was, actually. My husband seemed harsh and unkind and unloving and when my children needed a helping hand, he was never around to give encouragement. This man was. Eventually, it became obvious to my X that he wasn’t “needed” around there anymore and he left. Of course other factors were involved but this proved to be the straw that broke the camel’s back.
When I found out he had left, taken off with something that would have allowed me to finish the building of my home, I was devastated. Dr Jekyll showed up then in living color. I was determined to hear from the Lord. I stopped by a bible study that night that I had never attended. The lesson was regarding Saul and David, during a time when David was running from Saul’s heavy hand with intention of killing him. Saul’s army was out looking for David and had intended on doing him bodily harm. The evening came upon Saul’s army and they slept in a cave. David crept in and found Saul asleep and it seemed as if the Lord had given David an open door to defend himself, however David saw it differently. He saw that Saul was still King of Israel and there was authority with the mantel he carried. David humbled himself before Saul’s army, silently took his knife and sliced off a bit of Saul’s robe. The next day David confessed his “sin” before the Lord and as his heart smote him even with that act.
As I listened, I heard clearly Holy Spirit speak, “DO NOT CUT OFF THE EDGE OF HIS ROBE” I knew exactly who we was talking about, my husband. I had already started listening to the negativity that was being poured forth from this man’s influence, but really wanted to be obedient to my Abba Father.
I kept hearing his negative input day after day, by this time he had moved out, but had seen that since I needed a job, (I had not worked in years) he would oblige.) Unfortunately, I was too desperate for cash to realize working for him would be the dumbest thing I could do, succumbed to his offer and I became his carpenter’s assistant. Before my husband left, he convinced me to take out a loan on a completely debt free home, even though it wasn’t finished and even though I knew debt was “against my religion” I gave in, feeling brow beaten by both men in my home. I made the decision, even though I felt it was the wrong thing to do. I took out a mortgage on the home, a $1000 a month payment. It’s like it was all a setup, by the enemy. My children were devastated, not because he left, but how he left.
Fast Forward to today, over 20 years later. I still could not believe a pastor who had taught the word of God and his sermons reiterated over and over to stay the course, don’t take the easy way out. Little did I know, those were sermons he was preaching to himself, but it didn’t work. I kept trying to make sense out of any of it. There was nothing that i could understand. Little did I know that the closer you get to a narcissist to uncover his underhanded deeds the more they began to shift their feet and find a way to escape.
Proverbs 28:13
“Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy”
Try as I might, I was never able to truly let go of this situation in my soul. I would speak of the situation often to others I had not seen in a while. They would be shocked, I didn’t realize I enjoyed sharing my horrible situation with them, thinking that it just might result in an answer for the hole in my understanding and my heart, but it never did. It only served to bring me into more isolation, depression and hardness of heart. Bitterness crept in like a slithering snake. I was taken captive and began to be so cold inside. I tried to the the loving open-hearted person I once was, but I was just play acting. Eventually, the real me began to emerge and I isolated myself even more, as I realized there was no way I could be the same person I used to be. I knew there was a desperate longing in my soul for God and His abiding presence again, but all alluded me except an emptiness of soul and feeling like I was reduced to a piece of bread.
We read in Matthew 18:
He called a little child to him, and placed the child among them and he said, “Truly I tell you, unless you become as this little child you shall not enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever takes a lowly position like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven and whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me.”
Verse 21 Peter then came to Jesus and asked, “Lord how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but 70 times 7. 23 Therefore, the kingdome of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts. As he began settlement, a man who owed him 10,000 talents of gold was brought to him. Since he was not able to pay the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt. 26 At this the servant fell on his knees before him, “Be patient with me, he begged, and I will pay back everything, 27 The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go. 28 But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a 100 silver coins. He grabbed him and began to choke him. Pay back what you owe me!” he demanded. His fellow servant fell to his knees and egged him, “Be patient with me and I will pay it back.” But the man refused, instead, he went off and had the man thrown in prison until he could pay the debt. When the other servants saw what had happened, they were outraged and told their master everythings that had transpired.
Then the master called the servant in, “You wicked servant, he said, “I canceled all that huge debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn’t you have had mercy on yoru fellow servant just as I had on you?” In anger his master handed him oer to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back what he owed.
This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart.”
Years later, try as I might to change and forgive and forget, seemingly I was still carrying the burden of the past. I analyzed it, looked it from every angle I could never finding a solution to my broken heart and the pain I was enduring. I kept praying about it all and asked God to help me understand what was going on and why this was still plaguing me after all these years. To my chagrin, I was invited to stay in a place not far from where my X was living. It was covid and the home I had planned on renting was not completed and I had to leave my present living conditions. I had no choice but to take the place offered. I was not excited to in his presence again, but realized that God had a plan and I needed to understand that God was in charge of my life, not me. So I continued to press forward and moved into the tiny apartment offered. Being around him once again, I realized that the person I thought a married was not the person standing before me. I think he too realized the person he thought he married had either changed or was not who he thought he married. Suffice to say we were neither enthralled with the other.
As I spent days with this man, I realized I still had deep wounds from the things that had occurred from the past, but I couldn’t seem to figure out why I was still carrying around this burden. I had not known this person as he really was. That is not unusual to find out the person you “fell in love with” as we know there is no such thing as “falling in love.” It is only an erotica form of ecstacy of leaving one’s self and placing yourself in the care of another so that you can now escape the things you found uncomfortable about yourself. You have now exited the real you and found a pseudo acceptance which blinds the person to believe that love is indeed happening. When in fact it is a lie. Then several years later you wake up to the fact that this person you married you don’t even enjoy being around or even like, or maybe you find, eventually you can deal with the person and then you choose to stay and come to the realization that love is indeed an act, not a feeling.
After he left, those present conditions, I had a dream about his little sports car and a roommate. She had taken all my clothes and hidden them somewhere. seemed they were “stolen.” They had just disappeared. I inquired about these clothes, as my closet was empty and she was taking off in her little red sports car. (The epitome of my X-husband’s). I continued to inquire, but received a nonchalant answer and “talk to the hand” response. I persisted to inquire and finally was told the clothes were in the trunk of the sports car As I pulled the clothes out of the trunk, I first was confronted with beautiful garments of silk, purple and satin, very expensive dresses then finally pulling out my own clothes which I recognized immediately as they had Goodwill tags on the shoulders. This is a short version of this dream, but the lesson is there. God showed me, if I had been able to forgive, I could have been wearing His glory clothed in lace, satin, expensive silk garments when in fact, instead, still carrying the load of pain and unforgiveness and judgment. I wept. How could I be so blind, Lord?
The lesson was obvious. I was angry and bitter. I awoke and realized this immediately. I cried out to the Lord. “Father I cannot forgive and I keep going around and around the mountain trying to let go, saying I forgive but never letting it go. Please take this out of my heart, because I can’t live like this anymore.” Immediately, I felt a huge knot move out of the middle of my being and a burden lift of great dimension. I told the Lord I never wanted to speak of this incident again. It was too painful, but in reality, if I did the same spirit would be mine again and I would be right back where I started. So in short, the deep things of the heart can only be released by the Holy One of God. Choosing His love and grace over the pain and wounds of the past can only bring sickness, dis-ease, heart ache and bitterness.
Take care that any root of bitterness springing up may defile many. As a result of my bitterness, many were defiled. My children, his friends, my friends, the church where we pastored. Love covers a multitude of sins. Had I listened to the call which said, “Take care that you do not cut off your husband’s robe of authority, If I had obeyed, I believe I would be in a totally different place right now……but then again, I’ve learned a bunch taking the long way around…..as we might refer to the 40 years around the mountain. I’m very grateful I don’t live in old testament times……I receive the grace and mercy and forgiveness of God and know that in the time I have left here on this earth, He still has a plan. So, I’m trusting. Are You?
God’s grace is sufficient and I now am enjoying His abiding presence once again. Maybe there is hope for my future in something better in the next 20 years. When we come to a cross-roads, we sure need to make sure we stop and listen intently. We could end up on the bitter end of a dead-end street going no where.
I say all this to be able to say that God’s grace has brought healing and restoration to my soul and is restoring my family even as I write…..some in the spirit and some he has already done. It is amazing how we can leave behind a legacy of wounds or joy. Let us not grow weary in well-doing but rejoice in our calling.. Let us “MAKE SURE” we are listening. Life has a way of passing us by if we are not careful.