“Don’t walk through the world looking for evidence that you don’t belong, because you will always find it.”
Your worth and belonging are not negotiable with others. you carry your belonging inside of your heart.
Choosing to love someone is and can be scary. Love congers up a whole plethora of emotions. Disappointment, euphoria, ecstasy, and when that person isn’t around, fear of rejection, anxiousness, loneliness, neediness, jealousy, anger, etc.
If we truly want to love that special someone, it takes more than just love. It takes strength, it takes, first and foremost, trust, If you can’t trust the person you have decided to spend the rest of your life with, then why did you decide to walk your journey with them? So, pursuing this further we discover, it takes patience, compassion, listening skills, a desire to understand ….instead of just wanting to be understood, kindness, honor, loyalty to truly love. So maybe “love” isn’t really enough….or possibly love encompasses all those things and more.
John Lennon wrote the song: “All we Need is Love” I recently read a bio of his life. It was a shock to me of the many tantrums he threw when he didn’t get his way. His tumultuous abusive marriage ended after Cynthia came home from a trip and found Yoko in her living room in a bathrobe sipping on tea. We can love our dog, our house and our wife. The word love today has become so interchangeable, we don’t know how to describe what we feel anymore.
So how do we really “love?” One sure way is taking life as it comes, allowing the other person to be who they are and live their own life, loving them in the place they are, rather than wanting them to meet a need you have, or trying to change them to make you feel comfortable. Anyone can judge, but it takes a special kind of person to realize that the guy in the ragged clothes or the angry child throwing a tantrum all have a place in this society. If we treat them as such, we will then be able to express unconditional acceptance. That’s all any of is looking for, right? Unfortunately, no matter how much you are accepted by others, until you can accept your own person, it will never be enough. You will always feel a lack of belonging. Then try to find approval in all the wrong places. This could lead to great heartache and much drama in your life and the lives of your offspring. Ask me, I know.
Consider these terms, Independence: Making your own decisions and formulating your own strategies without being pushed by others. For example, an employee who pushes forward to become valuable to their firm despite a lack of direction from their boss.
Interdependence: the state of being dependent upon one another : mutual dependence. interdependence of the two nations’ economies. … a form of symbiosis, of close mutual interdependence of two species of organisms.
Which category do you find yourself in? Take some time here, and stop to look within. Is there a deep longing to belong inside you? Do you feel out of place most everywhere you go? You don’t feel like you belong? I used to feel that way, it was like I was out of place everywhere I went. I became needy. Your partner is not equipped to accept you, cater to your whims, meet your emotional needs or your social needs 27/7. That is not why you are together. The other person is not equipped to be “god” in your life…..they will feel smothered. If you find yourself lacking and wanting more from your partner, first check yourself. Ask yourself some important questions:
- Am I looking to God to provide my emotional needs?
- Do I long to have them by my side 24/7. If so, why?
- Am I afraid they will not be loyal to me? Is this feeling I have controlling behavior?
- What do I fear? If desire to control things, will not your relationship be out of balance?
- Ask: What are my own thoughts during the day about my honey when separated. Are they positive, fearful, judgmental, jealous? First listen to your own thoughts. Then, look at your own feelings after you notice these thoughts. Chances are a lot of the needs you want them to meet, they were never meant to fulfill those kinds of needs. You must find those needs met before you become intertwined in marriage or in a committed relationship. So they must be met in and of yourself. You can easily drive the other person away if you become too needy or controlling. What happens to your emotions if they are late coming home? Where do your thoughts go, then?
- Am I taking time to be who I am created to be? Do you really know who you are or are at least searching for deeper meaning behind all these emotions and thought patterns?
- Am I praying and meditating on God’s word and believing what it says regarding who I am? Who Christ says I am? Am I working on myself?
- Am I praying to be complete in Christ daily trusting He is granting that request….when you feel in doubt of these things, turn to Him and tell him your feelings and then remind yourself of His word, what he has already promised. HE has already met every need according to his riches in glory…..IN CHRIST JESUS! Are you IN HIM? then “ask and you shall receive.” The word is true and will not fail you. Ask in faith ….James says….nothing doubting….for he who doubts is tossed around like a wave of the sea. Let him not think he will receive anything from the Lord
- Keeping a journal, writing down your thoughts would be a good place to start to look deeper inside. After a few weeks, go back and consider those thoughts. Where are you now in relation to those thoughts? Do you feel silly for even having those feelings, or are they well founded? You can grow emotionally and spiritually if you are thoughtful and meditative.
Consider some of these TRUST issues to consider from Brene Brown.
- Boundaries- not clear, just ask. These can always be changing as relationship grows.
- Reliability – So be sure you can fulfill the task you have agreed to do. When we are wanting to please someone else, we might over commit, then find ourselves with the inability to perform.
- You are accountable to one another. This is crucial to grow and mature in the relationship.
- Be sure you keep your partner’s secret faults and things he holds dear in confidence.
- Integrity – Choose Courage over comfort
- Choose what is right over what is fun, fast or easy
- Be nonjudgmental: It’s easy to label your partner as lazy as you observe, but in fact, they may just be stressed and preoccupied or even dealing with past trauma. Make sure you also give yourself room to grow and make mistakes
- Then be generous with your time, your talents and your compliments and your affection. It pays dividends.
Questions you could ask your partner:
- “What can I help you with right now?” …
- “How can I show you in a way that might be more meaningful to you, that I love you?” …
- “Is there one ‘little’ thing about me that you would like me to change?” …
- “Is there someplace special that you would like to go?” …
- “What is it about our life together that makes you happy?”
Take these answers you receive from your partner to the Lord and ask Him to fulfill them within you and your relationship. Prayer is what changes you and things. We must do things in the spirit or they never really last or work well. “Unless the Lord builds the house, they that labor, labor in vain.
Take some time to do some soul searching. Go for long walks by yourself. Take out a hobby that only you enjoy. Volunteer to help at a hospital, nursing home, prison ministry and find a place in some kind of ministry. Pray and ask God to open a door for you in a similar area. God will begin using you and you will begin to feel fulfilled. Find yourself and you will become more attractive to your partner.