My first encounter with this loving compassionate God was at 12 years old standing in a huge church with hymnals and a preacher and possibly over a 1000 people who had come to find out about this loving God…..or so I thought at 12. I had no idea most might just be there going through the rituals of something that had been handed down from grandmother to grandmother, it was expected. I’m sure others were present, as I would find out later, whose worship was very sincere, desiring to live out their faith. Eventually, I discovered that was true after getting to know my Sunday school teacher and Youth group pastor. However, my parents did not seem to know what it was to live a believing life for it seemed my mom too, had become a victim of the ritual, herself. My did didn’t want to be caught going to church with hypocrites. We can easily get caught up in a pattern of living that seems right but turns into a ritual. Going to church and singing from the hymnal every Sunday, making sure the quarterly was read every evening before class the next day, can just become a habit or it can really come from a desire to learn more. It is all a matter from the heart. When I looked around, after peering into their lives, I could see there was a possibility there were people there who drew close with their mouths but their “hearts were far from me.” I looked in the mirror, I saw the same staring back at me. How could I be any different than the people I was seemingly judging, although I didn’t understand that then. My father who had anger issues, my mother, my sisters….and kids at school. I learned at an early age to judge others, for I had no idea that I too, was the same as the people I judged. Judge not lest you be not judged!” Yikes! That’s pretty strong! I knew nothing at that moment, except that I was a bad little girl and I needed someone to love me…and it seemed not one person really did, for I was truly unlovable.
I was standing all alone that morning waiting for the last song to end as something called the “Invitation” was going on. All of a sudden there was some strange, warm irresistible pressure-like feeling tugging at my heart……I tried resisting, but inside I knew what it meant…..Wow! This must be what had happened to people who I saw on TV watching the Billy Graham crusades. Was I really being called to receive Christ as my true and living Savior? Realizing I was needing to respond, but also the realization hit me in the gut….I really have to mean this and too, in responding I would be noticed which caused great anxiety inside my body and soul, or not responding which was more torture, because I couldn’t stand any more pressure from this call on the inside of my soul. It was almost more than I could take. I realized …… I was not OK, but I was determined not make a spectacle of myself like I had seen so many others in the past walk down that isle, I held onto the pew in front of me with all the strength I could muster, clenching the pew in front in my small hands. The sermon that morning seemed especially for me. I had been bad that week, a twit in today’s vernacular. I was angry at the dog, the cat, my parents, grouchy at school and fearful walking down the corridor of the school feeling like everyone was staring at me because I was so ugly. Fact was, I wasn’t necessarily ugly, but I had always been told I had a few screws missing among other things and when I would go to school, I always felt it was harder to learn things than others. I was missing something, I couldn’t seem to catch on, like most other kids. I felt awkward, dumb, stupid, (as my father consistently reminded me) and ugly. I was a burn victim at 3 yrs old and nothing you could say to me would change the way I felt about myself. I was unacceptable. I felt totally unloved and out of sync with myself and life. Fear ruled my every thought and every waking moment. I could only think “if only” when I would lie down at night to try to sleep.
As I stood there shaking, something inside would not let me continue to resist as somehow I knew this “call” would lift eventually and I might miss out on something amazing…….maybe it could be this love …..When this undeniable feeling of…..”come to me” came over me, my knuckles became white I’m sure, as I finally released my hands from the back of the pew and edged my way out from between the people in between the pews, disturbing everyone. How embarrassing! As soon as I stepped into the isle….my heart was released of a burden I had been carrying for what seemed like eternity. I guess it really was eternity, but then I stepped into an amazing grace of love and acceptance I had never known before. I cried and cried. The tears would not stop. They came while inside I was thinking “could actually be loved?” Me loved?” I was worthless, wasn’t I? There was nothing I could do right.
Now, I believed for the first time in my life, it didn’t matter what I did or had not done. All of a sudden I knew what it meant to “cast my burden on the Lord” ….light as a feather….. I felt “called by name.” All of the flames that had attacked my body as a child seemed to be unimportant at that very moment. I had walked through the water and they were not overflowing me, neither did the flames cross my mind. Nothing mattered because I was loved unconditionally. I gave myself into HIS hands that day. I continue to embrace a “giving over” and “letting go” daily lest I feel that heavy burden again. I’m learning again, and again, how to do that little by little….as I walk in knowing that He gave everything so I could be at peace in this sordid, chaotic world we live in. How? By daily coming to Him and saying, “Lord I cannot, will you come and be my Peace,” if I’m fearful of a situation, I ask, “show me what you want.” He says to me give it up and I will show you “great and mighty things which you know not.” You are strong IN ME. Not in yourself.” Wait and I will work it all out for you because you are MINE! Honestly, sometimes I really goof it up, and I mean royally, and other times I’m able to let go. Most importantly I’m learning after all these years that God is no respecter of persons and he loves me just as much as he does the beauty or the beast….who ever that is. He has called me to love them the same. “How do I love that unlovable person?” Do I know how? You would think that I would know how since I needed love so badly, but I absolutely do not know how. It is Jesus who is the lover of my soul and yours. So, as I ask Him to come and love this person through me, He answers every single time. If I try to think I can fix, help, offer some kind of advice not requested, without inquiring of Him first, I find He backs up and lets me fall flat on my face. Why? Because He is charge, His spirit is full of love and it is HE to whom He draws all men to….not to me. So, I’m learning to let Him be in charge, which is a lot more fun. He is the one that has all the love, not me. So
God’s love in me……is a bit like a conduit, and empty tube like vessel that carries power to a source. …That source is from God and the end result is healing or love or some kind of difference made in another person all beause I waited on HIM and saw Him. Jesus said, “I only do that which I see my Father do.”
He is completely FULL of grace. Full of grace. ….Full of Compassion
“Come Unto me you who are weary and heavy laden, take my yoke upon me for I meek and lowly in heart and you will find rest for your souls”
“Come let us reason together, though your sins be a scarlet, they shall be white as snow.”