People who “rub us the wrong way” may have something to teach us. If we re not learning we are not growing.
In walking through a maze of trying to love a family member, I struggled for years because I was so uncomfortable around her and was made to always feel like I had less to offer anyone than they did. Younger or older it didn’t seem to matter since I had both, I felt like I was always on the receiving end of a tongue lashing…..without knowing quite what I did wrong. The other party I found eventually, after living a few years and coming back to “enjoy” myself again….discovered that nothing had changed except me. This time I had run into some people that had the same type of personalities. I had learned to adapt more readily and too, I knew I had something to contribute whereas before I became a doormat. In my limited experience, a narcissistic personality is simply a person who has been split. The child has never been allowed to grow up, therefore the adult switches back and forth from the abused or afflicted child to the adult and most of the time you aren’t sure which one you are dealing with.
I have encountered quite a few, people who tend to have narcissistic characteristics and the one thing I have found in common with their background is they have come away from a situation that either they have needed to be the person in charge when they were small and didn’t know what in the heck they were doing so they developed coping mechanisms. This caused a “split” in the psyche, a separation from the real person and the person they discovered that made others happier and caused others less pain. So they became this “Other” person. Maybe other situations involved a molested daughter, consider a young boy taken advantage of sexually by an extended member of the family or even a very “close” friend of the family In any case….the personality has been damaged or divided.
I had one person I encountered who had to learn to beat up his older brother in order to please his alcoholic father. The mother was a member of a religious organization who didn’t believe in going to the doctor and died of a bleeding ulcer, needlessly. The children went their separate ways after the parents passed away. The older brother ended up in a mental institution the younger half brother ended up going from relationship to relationship and now an old man, never discovered his true identity. This man thought his identity lay in his prowess, or how smart he was or something other than just being content to be just as God created him to be…….even in his 80’s He simply HAD to be right and if there was any chance of rejection, he was gone in a few months or even weeks. The little boy inside was abandoned so many times in his formative years, he could not tolerate that feeling again, so he disappeared and pretended everything was fine, made new friends who they felt would not abandon him and all was peachy. It is unfortunate that we find ourselves being chased by the very thing that could set us free if we would turn around and face it.
Facing our fears is something a person who is extremely disagreeable, or better stated, afraid of being discovered, has not learned to do yet, So if you would like to have empathy for a person who is so wounded they cannot understand why they do what they do, it is imperative that you, yourself are secure in who you are.
I had a strange situation that came up one year after attending a church where I had several acquaintances. I discovered a rumor being passed around that I might be participating in witchcraft. A friend, wanted to get to the bottom of what they had heard, so in kindness confronted me, asking me if I had ever participated in witchcraft. I was surprised at the question, but answered an no, but I might have done a Quiji Board once. as a teen, leaving that behind long ago. So I was curious as to why I was asked. I began putting things together. I had been prayed for at a tent meeting not too many weeks earlier and the evangelist was concerned about me using essential oils as she thought it was not of God. I had not even considered anything of the sort, especially since the shepherds brought gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh to our Lord. She thought otherwise. I used the situation for my best interest and the goals of seeking the Lord with a whole heart rather than receiving a judgmental feeling or a feeling of rejection. I realized the persons who were ministering, meant well, but that it could have really affected me in a negative way. I suppose it did, as I have not been around those people since, but God used it deeply to show me that I needed a lesson in “humble pie.” I was very grateful. I read Job and decided that it didn’t matter what people thought, as long as I was right with my Lord….and I could humble myself and pray for those who misunderstood my intentions or I misunderstood their’s.
We can love these people, because we realize they are are blinded by a deep-seated need. So to back up, wait on the Lord, ask for direction before responding is key. They need to fulfill some expectation….driven by a desire to be acceptable. This small child or teen is still living out their desire to receive and still unable to accept love. They cannot see themselves as they really are. So my question is: “Do any of us see ourselves as we really are?” Most do not. Why, not? we ask. Could it be that we are blinded by the need for approval or need for love or acceptance….which can all be the same thing, but there are many variations…..within these words. We must not judge, that’s for certain. lest we be judged.
So, am learning how to love this person? How can I? Do I find a common denominator? Maybe you have a few of these people in your life? Unless you are one of those that is called to that kind of deliverance ministry….as there are those for sure, you might want to leave counseling this person to someone with a bit more authority. Or maybe the reason you are facing the situation yourself, it is you that is called. Only the Holy Spirit can direct you in what to do or not to do. I have seen many times where a demonic presence was commanded to leave and the person, then the victim became their TRUE selves. Years of depression, fear and torment and mental anguish caused this particular lady to have many physical ailments. She was a precious person, very kind and generous. She was molested by her father till she was an adult woman and then even after she was married, her father would call her and tell her to come over. She shared it like it was yesterday and told me when her Father called, it was like he pushed a button inside her and she became a robot.
In the end….I happened to be the one that prayed with her, casting out the spirit of torment and bitterness that held her captive. She said she felt like she was in a cave all her life. For the first time she could breathe, explaining the birds had a different sound to their “music,” the grass was greener, the trees were browner and taller. Everything in life seemed brighter and more colorful. Every day was precious for her after that experience….because she was let out of her “cage.” She forgave! So her true self was revealed that day. The little girl had been abused and had never been allowed to be herself
In the 18th Chapter of Matthew, we read about the one who owed 10,000 talents and was forgiven the other owed a penance, but then the one that was forgiven the 10k, he demanded payment from the other deter. Neither could pay, but the first one was completely forgiven, and after he was forgiven found a person that owed him like around $ 100. Instead of showing the same mercy threw this person in prison, till they should pay the whole amount.
This lady was sure she would never be able to forgive. I said, would you be willing to pray with me to ask help to forgive?” She agreed, and then, once we prayed together, I asked her if she thought when she prayed that Jesus answered our prayers if we prayed according to His will. She agreed he did. Do you think you prayed according to His will chose to forgive? She said, “Yes she believed it was His will to forgive,” I then asked her, “Don’t you think that Jesus answered your prayers, as he always wants us to forgive?” She very sheepishly answered yes, Then I said, “We will pray now because Jesus will answer our prayers because when we pray in his name and in His will, he always answers.” She prayed with me, and then I said, “Would you say out loud, ‘Father, God, I choose to forgive my father.” Right then her eyes opened wide and she began to weep and praise the Father as she had been released from a “spirit of unforgiveness and bitterness that had held her bound for ages. She was well into her 50’s when she was set free. Her explanation? “It’s like the whole roof of the car was lifted up and off. She could breathe for the first time since she was a small girl.
So very sad! We are all victims of someone or something. Are we willing to let go…..to die to the fears and anger we carry within our hearts toward another? If we call that person by name, does it cause some tension? Chances are there needs to be freedom internally, to really be able to allow the Love of God to flow through us to love them unconditionally. So forgiveness is key to love others, lest bitterness sets in.
I have Always Felt Like I needed To Hide
There are those out there that are cougars that don’t know they are cougars. They eat their prey because they hunt to kill because they are hungry and that’s what cougars do. You can’t blame the cougar. If you don’t know the story you can find it here
The one thing I know is that all these people have had one thing in common. They do not know they are like they are. They cannot apologize, they are jealous, they are fearful, they take the first chance they can to make you look like you are not such a great person and make sure that everyone else knows it too. They can’t help themselves.
So how to get along with them or love them? Gee! I’m still working on it. I’ve learned to walk away actually. I cannot walk with a person “unless we agree” on something. If there is no valuable communication and when I tell a person I feel a certain way and they tell me I don’t feel that way or I’m reading something into it that isn’t there…..something is not really right. So, I try to do my best to let them be the person that is right, the person that gets to win and the person that I can bless when it is time for their birthday or time to make them feel wanted. I don’t need to have strokes. from them. I get my strokes else where.
I would suggest you do that too. However, it is very necessary in order to be able to love them to pray for them and when you find them doing something that is completely out of character of a person who would be in that position, you must realize that you are not in charge. Pray for discernment and ask for direction to see what you can do to make that person’s day a little brighter. You will be more at peace, as you have turned it over to the Lord and eventually, you just might have an opportunity to make a dent in that armor. Until then, you must pray for them, wait on the Lord, show kindness and patience of character, even when you find that something they are doing makes you want to run the other way and might even be repulsive for you. Remember, they might be the only hands and feet of our Lord they will see that day or maybe that year. You are called because you are there.
Remember too the very thing you can’t stand about yourself sometimes you can find it mirrored in the person you are talking to. By the time you have prayed for this person and learned to love them from afar, Holy Spirit just might have them ready for you to minister to them and you both will be different. All things are working together for our good. It is all who need to be helped and changed to be able to reflect or flow in His love and grace. Anyone can make a judgment and walk away.