This post was updated on February 23rd, 2022.
How do you love someone when it’s tough to do so?
I thought long and hard about how to answer. In truth, we meet people who rub us the wrong way. Most incidents are easily resolved, some are never resolved and then there are those people we love even when it is a challenge.
How To Love People Who Are Hard To Love
It is hard to be in the company of a person who is hard to love. We have immediate family members, in-laws, friends, and co-workers whose company we keep for personal reasons or because we cannot cut them out of our lives. We also have people thrust upon us. So how do we hang in for better or for worse? We learn to compromise, which can pay off.
1. Think First About Your Feelings
This is not a selfish decision. It is impossible to show meaningful love to a difficult person until you come to terms with your own feelings. You know that we all have our perspectives and needs, which may not necessarily match the needs of others.
Nevertheless, I have continued to show love to someone who is hard to love not only for myself but for all concerned. After 50 or maybe it’s happened at 60, it is time to be good to yourself. Above all, you want to figure out a way to feel rewarded rather than frustrated. Frustration is simply delayed anger. So settle yourself into a place of the kind of peace that brings rewards. How, you ask? Simply do not react to the unsavory person.
Find a way to be silent and then when the time is right, you will know. You may then, be able to speak words of comfort and love to the other person. They have many reasons they are acting like they are and you won’t be able to discern what that might be if you react instead of responding, as mentioned. It takes a lot of will power to refuse to defend yourself and to find a way to comfort those in need when you have just been judged or your whole life has been displayed before you as a failure. A Narcissist will do this kind of manipulation, just so they can watch you squirm. Don’t squirm. You are wonderful….They are the one with the issue. Continue to wait and then speak, maybe don’t speak at all, but if you do make sure it is with kindness and compassion. You cannot think sometimes when all your weaknesses have been scattered out before you to look at in one swoop. Take a deep breath, say a prayer of love and thanksgiving that you are able to find a way to wait on truth and kindness. You will feel better and the other person if they are not too far gone, walk away confused.
2. Empathy – Have you walked a mile in their shoes?
Emotional intelligence pays off. Remember, no one is perfect. So put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Maybe that individual is having a difficult day. Perhaps the person has a problem in their life. Maybe I am bringing up some negative feelings within them that they have not ever dealt with. Other times, they are just plain difficult, yet still worthy of love. We all are called to have a place from the janitor and the homeless person who lives out of a grocery cart or the highest executive. We look at people in a position rather than who they are. Be careful to try to understand how they might have arrived where they are now standing. Find kindness words to speak to them. You will not only cause them to be brought up on a higher plane, but you too, will grow.
3. Challenge Instead of Judging
Remember you are learning how to love in every situation. You are learning how to wait on God to move inside you to bring the answer that the person needs or the response, they so desperately need at the time. So, can you bring out a heart-to-heart conversation? It is certainly not in the best interest of any individual to be judgmental, no matter whose foot the shoe is on…….But it is wise and sometimes very necessary to challenge the actions of that person. If you do not take it personal, you can calmly and in kindness and with great compassion speak truth. Pretending that you are not hurt when you are, won’t work either. Be upfront. If you are hurt, say so. However, if you have had time to consider the incident and brought yourself to this point, chances are that you have already said, “Father forgive them for they know not what they do.” So, bring the problem to the surface. They will oftentimes respect you if you do it kindly and with resolve.
4. Boundaries
When a person comes at you with the “attack mode,” chances are it really is all about them. Boundaries are needed for the kind of love, Agape, that is needed here to see it through to the end. Maybe you get nowhere. That’s ok. You are not in the position to win an argument or defend yourself, but there to exude the love of the Father. Only by the direction of the Holy Spirit will you be able to discern what kind of love might be needed in this situation. By that I mean: “What kind of boundary will I set with this person that will be helpful for us both?” Maybe you should keep this relationship at bay. You can certainly “love” another from afar. Your peace and sanity and own life you are responsible to and for yourself and your Creator. Loving someone does not mean you have to be their closest friend.
5. As You Hear the Words……let them wash past you like it was the wind in your hair.
Your ability to love someone when it is hard to do so is in your best interest. Learn to forgive, as your emotional and physical health comes first. When you harbor anger, you suffer. It has been said, “Keeping an unforgiving heart or fostering bitterness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” In Matthew 18: 23-35. The ruler of a certain kingdom called for the books to be opened and debts to be paid….one owed him 10,000 ( let’s just liken it to a million dollars in today’s economic value) and he called the debtor before him and told him he was to be sold, his wife and children till all that was owed was paid back. He begged the ruler to have mercy on him and he said he would pay it all. So the ruler completely forgave the whole amount and forgot the whole matter. Then that very same servant went out and found another fellow servant and put his hands around his throat and said, “pay me what you owe me!” He too fell down on his knees and asked clemency and he would repay it all. However the unjust servant had him thrown in prison till he should pay it all. Now it was heard by his fellow servants what occurred. So they came and told the ruler of the kingdom. He was brought before their lord and he called the servant in before him. He said, “You wicked servant, I forgave you all that debt. Should you not have had compassion on your fellow-servant as I have had compassion upon you?” And he was very angry and had him “delivered unto the torturers” till he should pay the whole amount. Very interesting that this man was turned over to torment. …..till he should pay the whole amount. How could he ever do that? He needed to forgive his brother the debt then go to him and ask forgiveness…..humbling himself. For as he humbled himself, he would find grace in the eyes of the Lord. “Humble thyself in the sight of the Lord and HE will lift you up.”
Different Reasons People Are Tough To Love
There are times when walking away from a relationship no matter what kind it might be that can set your free. This is in reality, a high quality of love. It is sometimes harder to walk away than it is to allow the person to stay. It is hard to feel like you have pushed someone away, especially if you are a person of empathy and compassion. There are times we walk away because loving that person the way we thought we were to “love” that person is not working for either party. It is also loving ourselves. This practice is necessary and healthy. However, most of the time, every person has a place that is lovable if we only look for it instead of feeling disconnected ….Even with the most difficult individuals we can find a reason to love.
Look for another avenue into the persons life if indeed you are trying to make amends with a family member. Sometimes, it might not work but there are ideas clearly to you that make a difference.
Once I worked in a room full of ladies. I was the copy girl and it was decided I was smarter than just doing copy work. so they put me on inserting numbers in an excel spread sheet. Honestly, I would have much rather been doing the print girl job, but that’s the way it happened. I was low boy on the totem pole you see. Then a new girl was hired to take the copy job. She, for some reson decided she didn’t like me. I worked tirelessly to try to get on her good side, but it wasn’t happening. I even went so far as to put a rose and a vase on her desk one day just to let her know I cared. I placed a card in the slot letting her know that I figured her job was tough, if there was anything I could do to help her out let me know as sometimes I had free moments.
I obviously didn’t know how to deal with women in a work environment as that did not go over well at all. I worked tirelessly at being kind and compassionate. I tried to put myself in her shoes as she was married to the Vice President’s wife’s dad. One day I had though she was finished with some documents and I picked them up and carried them downstairs…..stopped to say hello to a co-worker and as my head was inside the door and my hand with the documents were outside the door, I felt the document being ripped out of my hand and, shocked I turned around only to see the back side of this girl going up the stairs. She wasn’t through with them. I did feel kinda bad and apologized I thought she was finished with them. She also had to deal with the younger daughter of the wife who was autistic as the company was wanting to see if she could be trained to do the print or copy document girl job. It was probably a lot of stress on her eventually. So, I sighed and walked away.
Then something happen that broke my heart and I ended up leaving one day early after a run-in with her again in tears. My boss asked if I wanted him to say something to the vice-pres. I said no, let me go home and pray about this situation. I drove home and was in such a mess because I could’t believe someone could be so unkind, that I ran a stop sign admits my tears and ended up with a tragic ticket. What a day I had experienced!
I immediately went to the Lord, not understanding why this was going on but willing to be on the wrong end of the situation again….if He could only let me know what His will for me at this time would be. This girl’s name was Dawn. I sensed I should read the passage in Psalms 46. I began to read. “Great is the Lord. and greatly to be praised Ind the city of our God, in the mountain of His holiness. Beautiful in elevation, the joy of the whole earth, is mount Zion on the sides of the North the city of the great King.” As I pondered this passage, it reminds me that I am the Body of Christ. a city set on a hill, The m mountain of His holiness. He lives within my soul brought there by an attitude of love and respect and devotion to Christ and Him alone.
I continued to read: God is in her palaces. (He has taken his place in my spirit, as he lives and abides within) He has made Himself known as a stronghold.” In my innocence and inexperience with working with women, I sure didn’t feel very strong at the moment, but God brought assurance he was with me in the next few verses.
“There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God the Holy place of the tabernacle of the MOST HIGH. Gee, Lord I thought. That’s where you abide….within….my soul. God is in the midst of her, so she shall not be moved. God shall help her, just at the break of “Dawn” That name stood out like neon lights. Really God? You even put her name in this passage, leading me to this very passage so I could know it was exactly from you? ” My head went, “That’s ridiculous” but then I stopped, “Why is that so ridiculous?” He knew I was trying to be obedient doing all I could to make that lady feel comfortable and it never worked. She always treated me with disdain and like I was second rate person. So I just thought it was my lot. In my innocence, I just figured God was going to change her heart and she would come to know and understand that I was not her enemy. But something very odd happened.
Two weeks later I came into work and the print lady was no longer the print girl Someone else had taken her place. I inquired as to where the print lady had gone. It was shared that she was given an ultimatum over some trivial thing ( in my estimation). When I thought about how God delivered me out of the hand of the enemy, I was shocked beyond belief. I no longer had to suffer under her unkind hand and feel second rate.