Years ago living in an aura of the presence of God after my Husband died, I thought, “This is what the bible talks about walking in the Spirit that you might not fulfil the lusts of the flesh. I had arrived, or so I thought. I was amazingly at peace, the Holy Spirit would show me things in the spirit. When I prayed, I knew something happened to the person or in the heavenlies. Sometimes never really knew what had happened, then other times God would show me. Then I decided I would fast 30 days to be closer to the Lord. During those days it was very difficult to fast as I had three lively children. 2nd Grade, kindergarten and preschooler. It was quite challenging, but we managed since I was homeschooling.
I was in the kitchen at a particular day and my head was as crystal clear, clear as a mountain breeze on a cool spring morning. I was meditating upon the Lord and in my spirit I had a peace and a calm I had never experienced before. I happened to be ironing. (I used to love ironing as I saw a completely unwearable garment become a crisp, depending upon if I used starch, wearable garment pretty enough to attend any festive affair.
All of a sudden I sensed a far off dark “spot” celestial heights. It seemed to edge closer as I continued to “watch” it and meditate on the Lord who was very present in my spirit at the moment. It was as if I was “in the Spirit” and my own spirit was eyeing the entity that was coming toward me with, now a different speed…it was very close. I spoke, “Lord what do you want to do with this dark thing that is coming this way?” Instantly my prayer was answered. Out of my belly rose a laughter that was not my own voice. …so ti was my voice, but it was the Sprit within…..It wasn’t a hearty laugh but a type of laugh that said, OH really?” You dare tread on this property? and with that the spirit disentigrated….with a POOF!
I stood there quiet awe-struck….still and yet taking in the moment as if something out of a sci-fi movie had just taken place, but it was in the spirit. (This could have been a start of another Frank Peretti book, except they had not been written yet.) Then I realized what the spirit was made of, gossip. It was a spirit of slander, unforgiveness and gossip. I didn’t know who or what it was toward, it didn’t get a chance to lie to my mind before the Holy Spirit blew it into outer space.
What are thoughts that contradict the goodness of God? Just as I suspected, you know the answer to this already. “Slander, gossip, “saying things we ought not, heady, highminded, pride, false pride, which we label insecurity, but really it is just pride. How do we take these thoughts captive, one might ask? Our mind is full of thoughts 24/7. Yet, 1Cor 10:5 Says to take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ casting down imaginations and every thought that exalts itself against the knowledge or truth of God” That’s a mouthful! The knowledge of God. What is that? Love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, patience, self-control, endurance, mercy are the fruits of Holy Spirit. How do we measure the truthfulness of a brother? What comes out of their mouth. Jesus says what goes into the mouth does not defile a man, but that which comes out. Adultries, idolatry, etc. So these defile a man.
Twenty plus years ago I was abandoned by my x husband and the way he left was unheard of by a pastor. I had a terrible time forgiving him. My walking in the Spirit experience disappeared and I became cynical and hard hearted. I was ever so often sharing the bad news with anyone who would listen. Gossip? How was it gossip. I was sharing my life and what had just happened. Years went by and I found myself unable to stop talking about the demise of my life, my children’s disappointment and woundedness and my own devastation at how things ended. It just didn’t make sense. Try as I might, I could not take those thoughts captive. Why? because out of the heart comes adultries, murder, slander gosspi. I still had not forgiven him after all these years. I ruined my relationships and my own life….my life became a series of mishaps, one after the other. I wondered why? Had God forsaken me? Where was God and why wasn’t he fighting for me?
Matthew 18 says plainly: “Unless you forgive from your heart you shall be turned over to the torturers till you should pay the debt.” So, life was torture for me. One bad relationship after the other, one wrong choice after the other, always living in fear, having lost myself somewhere out there. It was a scary existance, as I was alone and isolated, even though I had people all around me. I no longer belonged in any group or didn’t seem to be accepted no matter where I landed. One particular instance I was asked to play the piano on Wednesday nights as the Sunday morning pianist never attended Wed nights. Well that particular night, she happened to come to church and was appalled to see me at “her” piano. I had taken her place and it eventually caused a church split, but not before I simply stepped down as I saw the struggles between the pastors and deacons and this one little gal and her jealousy was again my demise. It followed me wherever I seemed to land.
I have asked and asked the Lord to redeem me but I never was. Why? because I would not stop confessing the past. One particular night after having spent some time with my x husband, I had an unusual dream. Without going into detail, I knew after a awakened it all pointed to my X-husband and his escape, even down to a little red sports car. I cried out to the Lord, “Father I cannot forgive this man, will you please release me?” I felt a deep ball of heaviness began to lift from my heart and it has not returned. Everytime, I forget to speak life over him, I repent and pray for him now and I am released to once again walk in the Spirit of truth and love.
We are called to be a repairer of the breech, a restorer of truth and to bring life and love wherever we go. If we are not doing that, we have missed the mark somewhere and need to get on our face and find the answer to release us into life. We are to die to the flesh and live unto righteousness, as the scriptures teach. Once we learn how to take those thoughts captive, let us walk in the Spirit that we are not overtaken by darkness.