Newly married, we moved from our home town to Virginia as he was now a full-fledged 2nd Lieutenant my husband decided I should work and help out with the finances. I had a hard time at my job. I was working on the Marine base. Of course, they had it all together, being secretaries most of their life. I had taken a year of Secretarial Science at my community college back home, but it didn’t stop the reverberating message in my head that I wasn’t enough. Fear seemed to always grip my heart when I was around someone that I determined “had it together.” I’m sure some of them were faking it too, as I would figure that out later working with more and more women.
As the front desk, easiest job to answer phones and direct them elsewhere, filing, taking dictation from Colonel Williams who was a kind and genteel man, but always being respectful to me. I enjoyed him. The ladies in my area seemed to expect perfection, but that could have been my perception. I was extremely insecure and it seemed I kept messing up, for sure because I was so nervous. Looking back, if I had attended school in today’s system, I might have been labeled with ADHD, thank God I was not put in a category. I just had a lot of trauma as a child. I was scared and afraid most of my adult life of disappointing my peers and this situation was no different. Again, here I was having to face all my childhood fears. I never seemed to measure up. But God was working in spite of all this to teach me basic things that I had not learned in my childhood environment. I remember distinctly never having seen shrimp being mortified as my girlfriend and I went out on a double date with the Martin twins. She took one look at me biting into the nasty shell and said, “Barb!” Then demonstrating how shrimp was to be peeled and eaten. UGH! This seemed to happen consistently. I was always checking out mentally, afraid of my shadow. Spending 9 months in a burn center didn’t help. Back then you didn’t get psychological counseling. Just put on your big-girl panties and sink or swim. Half the time I was drowning, but no one seemed to notice. I played the part well and acted like I was fine, but I’m sure my facade was very transparent. I always tried too hard, and wore my emotions on my sleeve.
My family was there, but absent in mind and support. Mom seemed to be driven by “getting ahead” and dad could have cared less, so it seemed constant friction became a part of our growing up years. It caused me to want to duck my head in my room and hide in a book or just “hide.” Mom was really a wonderful person and wanted the best for her kids, but seemingly nothing ever happened the way she wanted it to. Looking back, she lived vicariously through her 6 girls, yet she seldom had time to come to any of our school functions. She too had been “rejected” even though she was a beauty, but her looks didn’t compare with her two blonde, blue-eyed model sisters. She told me she was the “ugly duckling” of the three.
I learned to be invisible, I hid in my room or in the little cubby hole out back of daddy’s cabinet shop where I made mud pies using light and dark soil to make my layered cakes. One day I would be a good cook, I told myself. I dreamed singing on the Lawrence Welk Show, or dancing with Sissy and Bobby. Maybe I would be a ballerina, but how could that happen when I couldn’t get picked for the girl’s drill team, which one of the requirements was to do the splits. The shame I carried overwhelmed me consistently, I longed to fit in somewhere. I had a creative streak that seemed to never find an outlet. One thing was for sure, I could escape into my hiding place into silence away from the pressures of my young life. I learned not only to escape the pressure of seemingly having been a disappointment to my parents, but most everyone else…..I was hiding in plain sight. Shame can really be toxic. I’ve learned how to let go of not being what I expected along with all other people in my life. Jesus sets you free from that toxic shame.
At 12 I was drawn into the arms of Jesus and I my whole world changed, but two weeks afterward, I lost that amazing sweetness and awareness of the Holy Spirit deep in my soul, probably because I had learned to lie to cover up my fear of getting in trouble with an excuse or desperately needing attention so I’d make up a heck of a story to get that attention. I had not learned that Jesus could set me free from that fear and perveracation. Everyone just thought I was a sweet shy girl, I became sneaky….It was terrible knowing how you were and didn’t know how to change, even as a small child. I habitually watched Billy Graham on TV when the crusades were airing, crying in front of the TV at every altar call. I knew I needed to be better, just didn’t know how to let Jesus be my refuge….or my healer. Looking back all my experiences, I realized that I needed acceptance, like all of us. I seemed to be the proverbial “ugly duckling.” I can now empathize with my mother. We learn to be passive-aggressive without any understanding of what we are doing.
Fast forward 10 years later, I met a man, a wonderful guy who seemed the epitome of a godliness to me, who was a few grades ahead of me. He was the treasurer of his class and had recently broken up with his girlfriend, a gal on the drill team. I couldn’t believe he would choose me. But God had a plan. He loved me and I loved him. We were a good pair. I still had many fears but he helped me look into the mirror of the word and I started growing in many areas. I have worked hard on learning how not to “check out.” I’m still peeling those onion layers off, however, and this dark cloud can surprise me at times and I find myself in “fog” world. God has called us into the light. Those that walk in the light are not afraid of their deeds being exposed. So, being so candid with my past and my life right now can alarm others, but don’t be alarmed, Jesus is my righteousness now and I’m learning I have nothing to hide. If I remain in His presence, waiting on Him and Him alone to be my everything, there is no fear for me, only faith, for “Perfect love (Agape) casts out fear. So what am I afraid of now? Just like every soul on this planet we are always having to choose courage over fear.
Joshua 1:8 (Keep this Book of the Law always on your lips; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. 9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”)
It’s amazing when I step out in faith and trust God and his words, as miracles really do manifest themselves. I could go on and on about God’s provision in these last few years of this trial particular trial I’m facing daily. Life’s lessons are like an onion being peeled one layer at a time revealing His likeness in us, as well as the darkness in our soul, if we but believe, His grace and provision are available as we wait and listen.
On this particular morning when I was suppose to be headed out the door for work, I felt “fluish”, nauseated but not too sick to stay home. Gee! I began to be elated I did not have to face those ladies today. I considered all that might happen today and thought it would be a nice break, since I didn’t feel too bad. I had been reading about faith, healing from men who had healing ministries and how to walk in faith instead of unbelief. ….”sure, this is a perfect time to “hide. You can stay home and take a break.” Whoops! That old familiar voice was in my head again, prompting me to escape again……”but, hey, I was sick.” I said, by golly, this is an opportunity to believe God for something I’ve never stepped into. Why not! I said out loud, “Father I know your word has come to heal me, You say so yourself.” That’s all you did while you were here on earth, miracle after miracle and you told your disciples “greater work will we do because you go to the Father.” And here I was copping out again because of flu symptoms.
Walking back and forth our little apartment that morning, I began to quote the word of Jesus over my body. Now that I began this step of faith, I felt I had to follow through. It seemed a power outside myself came into the room. Faith rose up. Now, I would not take “no” for an answer. I kept praying and walking and thanking the Lord for His healing power. I said, “I stand on your word Lord, that ‘No weapon shall be formed against me shall prosper, but every tongue that rises up in judgment you will condemn.” Wow! I had used that over and over to heal my broken condemned heart, but gee, this applies to this scenario today too. I love the anointing on the word of God…it says in Hebrews:
“The word of God is sharper than any two-edged sword piercing to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit joint and marrow able to discern the thoughts and intents of the heart.” That could be a little scary if we didn’t know God completely merciful and full of love.
We had purchased earlier that year, a large family bible along with that big dictionary that came with it, It held all the lines and spaces for our ancestors, grandmothers, grandfathers, their children and places for our posterity. I saw that and said OK! This is my time to get serious. I decided to “Choose life that I might live.” (Deut), It may seem a bit childish, but I wasn’t going to allow this attitude or “spirit” to convince me to wimp out. I took the bible and stood on the book and quoted this bible verse. I would not relent and remembered other verses and said those out loud too. When all of a sudden, I think it was all of 15 minutes, I felt the nausea leave and the feeling of soreness that had settled into my flesh dissipating. It was gone! Really Gone? I felt great! I was elated!
Jesus doesn’t mince words, “Ask of me and I will give you the nations!” I have come that you might have life and have it abundantly.” “Do you not know, (he said to Abraham) I am your exceeding great reward.” I am learning how to stay in the light, with great transparency toward God and others during my journey with the Lord. It has been a crazy ride….making numerous mistakes and forgetting that unforgiveness binds you to darkness…..so I am grateful, now forgiveness flows toward those toward with whom I took offense.
God, being who and all we need in every situation, Through His many names, He reminds us of His provision, His covering, His provision, Christ’s death and ascension. The ever abiding presence of His Holy Spirit, His healing, and his great peace which translated means nothing broken, nothing out of place.
Jehovah T’sidkenu which reminds us of Christ being our righteousness to be able to stand before God unashamed,
Jehovah Rohi, which reminds of His continual guidance by the Holy Spirit whom he sent as the ultimate comforter after Christ’s resurrection ..
.Then Jehovah Rapha- I am the God that heals you”
Jehovah Jireh – Our provider
Jehovah Shammah – Ever present with us….
Jehovah Nissi – His Banner over us is love and He continually fights our battles as we walk in faith and trust Him with everything in our lives.